Are you fully loaded and ready to go?

There’s a reason I share all of this; all of this crap to you and the people who read this that I don’t even know. I’m sure there are people I never or haven’t talked to in a long time reading this and thinking they know enough to judge.

So let’s judge; this is my most vulnerable truth. I am naked with every inch of me exposed when I share my experiences with BPD, the trauma that led to it, and the consequences of it. I can’t romanticize it or play a different scenario in my head about it.

So…


You have no idea how much it means for you to share your story. I am in tears with how similair situation I am currently in. It is so hard to walk away when you feel you are the only reason this person is fighting to live. I keep holding on to the dreams we talk about when he's sober. But I am realizing as time goes on.. those talks become less and less.


Before I start off on this chapter, I want to make note to not judge a book by its cover. Or an article by it’s cover for that matter. There’s more than meets the eye. We can look deep down on ourselves and know we’ve all been there. Have you never said “they just don’t get it?” Because how can they? Every story, every experience is unique in YOUR own way. The point of being so vulnerable in these articles are to make others to stop and think - acknowledge you are not alone in this. A sense of community…


They say the first step of combating your mental health is mindfulness. This was and still is the hardest part for me. Accepting who I am with BPD & how will I manage it moving forward. Being mindful nearly broke me this past year- & I’m still trying to heal while rediscovering who I’ve neglected in myself for the past few years.

My biggest flex in 2020 was that I started therapy and went every single week for 3 1/2 hours. Yes, you read that right. Peeling off the layers that buried my trauma for the past 20 years. I…


It’s odd how wanting to die changes you. There’s a new tenderness when you survive something like that. Like you’ll forever be living like an open wound.

People always want to hear about healing in the past tense like it’s something you do once and it’s over. They want the hero’s story, the epic tale of how we triumphed over pain.. but it’s not like that.

Healing isn’t a straight line, it’s a commitment we make to ourselves every damn day. You may not see it on the surface but you’re not alone in these feelings. I am here and…


*Trigger Warning*

I promised you unedited, raw, and the ugly of my life with borderline personality disorder.

So here goes nothing… we’re about to get real in this. I’m serious. Grab your pet, tissues, and popcorn. It’s time for a lifetime movie.

Remember I said I’ve hit rock bottom more than I’d like to admit?

I started these articles to help cope and to bring awareness to mental health, specifically borderline personality disorder. BPD tends to be glamorized and misinterpreted in films and media. I want to change that.


Ready for a juicy tell all?

Sorry kids — we are far from knowing it.

Let’s rewind to a 7 year old girl blindly, happily and care-free running into a disaster. A situation no adolescent should be in. Correction, not even a human being at any age should be in.

I am still not ready to write about it..

At 7 years old, this was my first love affair with my man, avoidance. I had no idea how to process or express healthy emotions other than happy means running around laughing and sad/angry means screaming and crying. …


Through my experience, PTSD and BPD go hand in hand. Sadly, this combination adds a dash of depression and a sprinkle of anxiety.

Bare with me through these statistics.. Research suggests that 1.6% of the U.S population has BPD. Think, 1.6% of the entire population of the United States…it’s a big number which doesn’t include the many that are left undiagnosed. Between 25% and 60% of people with BPD also have PTSD. A study also shows 83% of participants in one large study also suffer from depression. OK, enough statistics before you fall asleep..

“An unsettling mix”

When I relate those statistics to…


What is it anyways? Same thing as bi polar disorder?

Personally, these are the two hardest questions to answer. I could go with the National Institute of Mental Health definition but you can google nonsense later.. *alexa, set reminder to google cute pygmy goats*

The best way I can define it from my experience is; when your knowledge jumps out the window and your physical brain is locked in the bathroom while your emotions run rampage in the house like 2 year olds high off pixie sticks.

I am so sorry if you have 2 year olds by the way…


“my internal dialogue shitting on me”

I know what you’re thinking, “oh great.. another SeLf pUbLiShEd mEmOiR.”

What makes this one different? I really can’t answer that for you. You could ask a coworker, a friend, your partner, a parent, maybe a child or even.. *drum roll please* yourself (← I think this one is the scariest!)

Welcome to chronicles of unfortunate events of a female millennial — not yet an adult but no longer a child: building her career, making a disposable income, married to that European she met in Italy that one semester abroad and having it ALL.. especially having all the tantrums that…

Nikki Alyanna

Confessions & Oversharing the Best and Worse of living with Borderline Personality Disorder

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store